Tom Sergey Biography

Sergey Tom - about relationships in a couple, family and life in Moldova Feb 27.

He also offers assistance to pairs that encounter problems at a certain stage of life. Psychotherapist Sergey Tom in today's issue of the project “I stay to live! Watch the written version of the interview below: - Hello, friends! Welcome to the new issue of the project “I stay to live! Today my guest is a psychotherapist Sergey Tom, whom I warmly welcome. What are you doing?

I am busy with many activities. Now to the north, then to the south, then to the central region. What is the purpose of your frequent trips around the country? Not that I’m not used to traveling, because over the past 15 years, since I have been in this profession, I have traveled a lot around the country. My recent trips with a colleague were related to an attempt to train a group of local facilitators who are teachers, local social workers, so that they knew how to provide psychosocial assistance to young people, children, as well as adults from Ukraine who found a refuge in the Republic of Moldova.

People are tired, and this fatigue and some sadness are often noticeable. Maybe I am more attentive to the emotions of people, and this is striking in my eye, but it is not easy for people, and everyone copes, as they can, in their place. Why is it difficult for them? Only in financial terms or for emotional reasons? When they are superimposed on other difficulties, it is very difficult to take a breath, because you do not have time to figure out one problem, how another arises, and then some people are in the autopilot mode, as they say.

I looked at several materials, I saw what it suggests. What do you really want to achieve this? Restore the relationship in a couple or what's the point? This is cruel treatment and violence in the family as a wider occurrence. But we, having launched this initiative, which is part of a larger project called “Partnership from the very beginning of the relationship. Consulting of steam ”, supported by the European Union funds and implemented in the Republic of Moldova by the Association, which I head, tried to somehow contribute to the solution of this problem.

We decided to offer couples in the country, initially from two districts, access to some courses, lessons, information, platform, where they will find more educational resources, which, we hope, will help them in self -study in terms of building relationships in a pair. We know that people get divorced not because they get along with each other. No one comes to a psychologist or a civilian office and does not say: “I want to divorce my wife.

We understand each other so well that I want to divorce. ” No one says so. And no one comes to court and does not say: “We get along so well. The fact that we have homemade violence, there is nothing to worry about. ” It is necessary to somehow prevent this, and we tried to do it through our platform. But I want to say that we are only at the beginning.

We spent quite a lot of time, more than 10 months, developing resources for our platform. But we do not stop there, because, despite the fact that the project ends, we intend to continue, expand the community, develop people's interest in relations, so that they learn to build relationships, ask questions about relationships so that painful partings do not happen or, more importantly, people do not suffer.

And I think we can do it. Then we realized that there may be couples that cohabit are at the beginning of the journey. However, I still believe that the target group is young couples, primarily young in age, that is, the pairs of the first two to three years of their relationship. This does not mean that what is written there cannot be useful to other couples, but the main goal was to turn to couples from 18 to 35 years old.

We looked at the statistics and realized that this is the target group, to which we turned to the intention of providing great support to young couples, because they are more likely to study, even online, although this is a controversial topic. Now this can be done by anyone who registers on the platform. Access to the basic course, which is on the platform, is called "Partners prepared - partners completed." This is a free course, there is access to it from any corner of the world, even if one of the partners is in Moldova, and the second - in the other part of the planet.

They can safely view this platform using a phone, tablet or computer. We thought not just about some lessons, we also thought about some resources. That is, people can find a sheet there, which needs to be downloaded and filled out, or find the recommendation of the film for joint viewing with their partner. Obviously, they are all connected with the topic affected, but ultimately the course helps people think about how they communicate, how they manage money, how conflicts resolve, how they perceive sexuality, how and when to contact a psychologist.I also placed there a separate lesson, which is called “when to call a psychologist”, just in order to let people understand now that they do not need to wait for a particularly serious or particularly difficult period in their family in order to turn to a specialist for help.

And we tell them about fears that are absolutely natural when it comes to a psychologist. I want to tell you that these fears, since we are talking about pairs, are not the same for men and women. In our experience, men are much more afraid of the words “psychologist” than women, and men much further from the desire to learn. During our master classes in the country, the participants told us that when they offered their partners to go to the seminar, where communication was discussed in pairs, the first reaction was approximately like this: “Why, do we do not understand each other well?!

Fathers say: “Can I really not bring my child?! Before moving on to children, I would like to ask you another question. Many times I hear the phrase that with the advent of children, relations in the couple are cooling. Does this phrase have an explanation? Relations between them cool down, because relations with the child become hot, and then communicating vessels are added a little so as not to get confused in metaphors.

The birth of a child in the family ... I don’t know how many people think, but this is not just a child, but an extremely vulnerable creature who, especially in the first year of life, must be heard, see, sometimes every millimeter, because he is very helpless, and then attention is required to the needs of the child, otherwise it cannot be. This is a beautiful lie that some heroic mothers tell on Instagram, succeeding with 12 children and seven rooms, but know that I advised women during this period, in the first year of the child’s life, who believed that the first year would be easy, their friends said that during this period the kids sleep a lot and behave calmly.

They lived with some illusions, and when they had to face problems, they were simply stunned. If you are a man, especially, and if you are a woman, for other reasons. There is a somewhat unhealthy competition, a woman seeks to prove how much a good mother she is and at the same time can look good, despite the fact that she does not want anything. People participate in this competition, and it is often intensified by social networks.

It is necessary to clearly and directly talk about what worries, to object when I don’t like something, and not hope that a man will change the power of the Holy Spirit or, I don’t know what extraterrestrial force. Put out the requirements, but also be prepared for negotiations. To see in a partner not a man, but a partner, that is, a man who has certain habits and skills, and you also have certain habits and skills, and you can talk about what you feel and how to develop mutual understanding in relationships.

By the way, those who look at us will find a recommendation. I do not give details to provoke you in search. The ritual that I recommended to pairs is called the "Day of the couple." This ritual works because it is inspired by the practice of several pairs that tried to rethink their priorities, how important it is to provide the priority of the time spent together, and this helped them.

For the past few months, I spent only evenings with them, a maximum of an hour or two. Usually, at dinner, we are transferred in two or three words about how everyone has passed the day, and if I come later, I will definitely spread a few words with children, because they also really want to tell how their day went, and I see how important it is to listen to them. Besides the family, what makes you happy?

This idea of ​​happiness does not inspire me. Recently, care of rest, the time allotted for relaxation, also begins to gain meaning for me. I try to be more attentive to this, because I must admit that I can better work than relax, because I like to work because phenomenal things are obtained, and it inspires me. When my health does not allow me or I feel bad, my body tells me one thing, and the mind - another: that I have to write more, create more.

But my body suggests that you need to stop, because it is already too much. I am learning to listen to what the body says, because it is so right. The problem is that I need a rest in silence, which is connected with nature, and in the apartment it is impossible. I think this is what I miss at the moment. And the rest, there would be health - and we will succeed. The first time there was not only an intention, but the necessary documents were ready to leave the country.

At that time, I was married and already had a child, but I refused. And although our friends told me that maybe we did not leave for any one reason, I do not think that there was only one reason. We felt that there was no need to leave, and I did not regret it. Because of the money? I wanted a better life, as some say? I think it was a fear that we do not know whether the imaginary good would really be a real good.I do not see me to do something very different from what I am doing now.

I think that I still see myself in the Republic of Moldova, maybe I travel more abroad with national or international projects, but I see that I am doing the same thing that I am doing here. With matured children, maybe with the house. The house is a state of well -being, I think this is due to where you live, connected with your past and present. I know that people say that we are citizens of the world, we are no longer citizens of the country, but we have a special relationship with the Earth and with this concept of “house”.

I think that there is nothing better for me at home, because I feel good, and I can’t explain why. You feel comfortable, comfortable, and you cannot explain it. I think it's like talent - if you feel that you are doing well, then this is about you, and you must listen to this. I wish you success in everything you are doing and find yourself at every stage of life!

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